


How Sculder and Mully Learn Life Lessons Through Mild Pain and Suffering

by probzn0t



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, MSR
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 06:46:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9872162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/probzn0t/pseuds/probzn0t
Summary: the body-swap story you probably never wanted and will probably be better off without





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first fic, so it's not that great! sorry if it's too terrible! despite that fact, i had a really really really fun time writing it. i really love the crackiness of it and i am looking forward to writing more. anyway i've kind of got an idea in my head as to where it's going, but i just wanted put feelers out there but if it happens to get swallowed into the abyss of a03, that's fine too. if i do continue i'll probably write a bunch in bulk, and post a little at a time. if you've got any comments you want to add please feel free, i love learning tips and tricks. enjoy what you can out of it, even if it's the satisfaction of hitting the close button after trying to forget the atrocity that you just read. 
> 
> ~thanks, scullyinscrubs

FBI Headquarters Thursday 1:15 PM

“Sorry it took so long,” Scully sighed, as she entered the basement office. “The line at the deli was out the door.” 

She glanced at Mulder as she dropped the paper lunch sack on the desk. He looked up from his files and gave her a once-over. 

“You’re a federal agent, Scully. Just flash the badge, and you’re at the front of the line.” He mimicked the motion and Scully gave him a small eye-roll.

“That’s only in an emergency, Mulder,” she said, removing her coat. “And I doubt a sandwich run constitutes as that.”

“Just depends on how hungry you are, and me?” He questioned, pulling the sandwiches out of the bag. “I’m starving.”

“Well, be my guest,” she said. She sighed and hung her coat on the rack, tenderly tensing her shoulders and rolling her neck. Yesterday she’d performed several autopsies as a favor to the VCU and had been bent over the autopsy table for the majority of the time. Her neck was paying the price. The coat slipped from rack onto a heap on the floor and she sighed again, looking down at it in dismay. To retrieve it would be too far a journey for her to take. Mulder observed her from his seat as she continued to stare down at the coat.

“What’s with the stiff neck, Scully? Sleep on the wrong side?”

“No. It’s nothing.” she said, bending over slowly to retrieve it. “I think I must’ve stood hunched over for too long during those autopsies yesterday.” 

“Man, they’re working you hard over at the VCU. Makes our job look easy.” 

“You could fill in for me if you want.” she offered, hanging it securely on the rack this time. “See what it’s like living in my shoes for a day.”  

Mulder scoffed. “I don’t think I could even  _ walk _ in those shoes, Scully. How tall are those things?”

“Tall enough,” she muttered. She sat down and watched Mulder weigh the two sandwiches in either hand. “The one on your right is yours.” 

He nodded and tossed the sandwich in his left hand her way. “What happened to just eating salad? I thought you were on one of those weird kale kicks.” 

“It’s a cheat day,” Scully said, unraveling the sandwich wrapper. “Well, actually, the deli only had romaine lettuce for some reason, so I went with this instead…it’s on gluten-free bread, at least.” 

“Wow, Scully, you’re really living the life. Gluten-free bread.  Sounds delicious.” He quickly unraveled his own sandwich and took a bite.

“You know, Mulder,” she said, straightening herself out in her chair, “You can’t even really tell the difference. And the act of excluding gluten from one’s diet is extremely beneficial—“

“Yeah, if you have a  _ gluten-intolerance _ ,” he interrupted, leaning back into his chair, putting his feet onto his desk.

“No, not if you just have a gluten-intolerance. There have been plenty of studies in the last few years that have—“

A knock at the door interrupted the beginnings of their no doubt long-winded, yet light-hearted, argument. They exchanged looks. It was a rare occurrence for anyone to make a journey down to the basement unless it was Skinner, and he wasn’t supposed to return from his much needed vacation until tomorrow. 

“I wonder who that could—“ Mulder began, sitting up properly in his chair. 

The door burst open, banging loudly on the wall beside it. In walked—nay galloped--Janet Pemberton from the fourth floor. They exchanged looks again. Mulder and Scully weren’t exactly sure what Agent Pemberton did on the fourth floor, they only knew that she worked there and that was enough of a reason to avoid the floor at all costs. Janet Pemberton and her more than sunny personality just didn’t mesh with the two agents’ gloomy basement outlook of working at the FBI. And when they saw her, they could never escape her. The last time was three weeks ago (an avoidance record), where she ended up talking to them for more than fifteen minutes about her houseplants.

“Hello, hello, hello my fellow agents!” she beamed at them. In her hands was a very full plastic container of what looked to be rounds mounds of grass. Scully politely put down her sandwich, forced a smile, and eyed the container wearily. Mulder dismissively put his feet back on his desk again.

“I just came down to try to get rid of these cookies! Little Bobby Jr. had a bake-sale at school yesterday and for some reason couldn’t sell a single one!” Her shoulders slumped in disappointment. “I was so heartbroken for him; I told him that I’d bring ‘em by work to try to sell a few. No one can turn down a good cookie! So how about it?”

“Oh no, no.” Scully said hurriedly. Agent Pemberton deflated. Scully cleared her throat, “ I mean, no, thank you, Janet. I’ve had quite a big lunch. I couldn’t.” She pasted a smile on her face, and glanced down uncomfortably at her untouched sandwich and then back at Janet. Janet’s eye twitched, but her smile didn’t falter. 

“Oh, c’mon. There’s never such thing as too big of a lunch! Especially when cookies are involved.” She paused, giving Scully a hard smile with even a few harder blinks. She then looked towards Mulder who was fiddling with his tie, avoiding eye-contact.

She stepped towards him, gesturing towards the cookies. “How about you, Agent Mulder? What do you say?”  Mulder leaned further back in his chair, fumbling for a response.

Seeing that she was getting no reply, she spun towards Scully again and quickly pressed further. “They’ve even got kale in them, Agent Scully! I heard you were one of those kale kicks. Surely you can’t turn down a cookie with kale in it.”

Mulder perked up in his seat and peered around Agent Pemberton to meet eyes with Scully. “Kale cookies, did you say?” Scully took in his false look of amazement and did her best to keep from rolling her eyes. “ _ Cookies _ with  _ kale _ in them? Oh surely Agent Scully couldn’t pass up cookies with kale in them.” 

Janet whirled towards him again, and nodded excitedly. “Right!? Little Bobby Jr. worked so hard on these cookies. He even grew the kale himself!” she said with earnest, turning towards Scully again, nodding more. “They’ve got almonds! And they’re even gluten-free.” Mulder raised his eyebrows at Scully and she looked away. “Y’know, they say that the act of excluding gluten from one’s diet is extremely—“

“Yeah, we know.” Mulder said abruptly, digging for his wallet. “How much are they?”

Janet whizzed over to Mulder again, setting the cookies on the already cluttered desk. “Two for a dollar, Agent Mulder. And all of the money is going to a good cause. You see, the kids got to pick a charity that they’d like to give their individual bake-sale earnings to, and little Bobby Jr. chose ‘Igloos for Iguanas’ which you see, is  _ actually _ a misleading name—“

“That’s nice, Agent Pemberton,” Mulder said with a forced smile, putting the dollar in her hand, and taking two cookies out of the tub. He handed her the container, and grabbed her gently by the arm, ushering her out the office door. “Thank you for the cookies, Janet, really, but Agent Scully and I have some important work to do...Regarding a very important case that involves some very important people. It’s very confidential...And important. So if you don’t mind…”

Agent Pemberton’s face fell. “N-no! But wait! I just wanted to come in and check in on you two.” She began to struggle in Mulder’s grasp in order to turn towards Scully. “You two are always alone down here. I always wonder what you’re up to.” She gave them a knowing smile and Scully’s eyes widened in horror. 

 

“It’s just, I haven’t talked to you two in ages and I just wanted to see if maybe we could hang out sometime outside of the Bureau--” She stopped abruptly, catching Mulder off-guard. He knocked into her and the cookies flew from Agent Pemberton’s grasp, launching high into the air. In slow motion the three agents watched the container arch close to the ceiling, “O Fortuna” playing quietly in the distance. In real time, the container landed on the floor, bursting open, where the frail kale cookies crumbled into hundreds of pieces. 

Without a moment’s pause, Agent Pemberton quickly went to the crumble of cookies. She examined the mess and fell to her knees, and let out a cry, “No!! This is not happening!” 

She began to frantically gather the cookie crumbs into individual cookie-shaped heaps, as if that would help repair them. “This was the only batch Bobby Jr. made!” Agent Pemberton wailed. “I can’t possibly hand these out!  And you two were my first customers, I hadn’t even got to the rest of building yet!” Mulder glanced to a guilty-looking Scully, who was watching Agent Pemberton’s bottom lip tremble. 

“What am I going to do?” she moans. “Bobby Jr. will be so disappointed, I promised him I’d sell them all.” She put her face in her hands and began to cry. Mulder looked to Scully, and Scully silently gestured him to go comfort her. Mulder vigorously shook his head and pointed to her. She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms, waiting for him to comply. Mulder continued to shake his head. Relenting, Scully went to Agent Pemberton, and crouched down beside her, resting a hand unsurely on her shoulder. 

“Now, it’s alright, Agent Pemberton. We’ll fix this, okay? There’s no need to cry. You know why?” 

Agent Pemberton glanced up from her hands, her mascara running and cheeks flushed. She sniffled and shook her head. “Why?” 

“Agent Mulder will buy the entire batch of cookies, ruined or not okay?” 

She looked to Mulder, and then back to Scully in disbelief. “H-he w-will?”  

“I will?”  Mulder said at the same time, looking over to Scully.

“Yes. He will.” She looked pointedly over at him, a little bit of bite in her words. Without any more prompting needed, he stood up and dug for his wallet. 

“Right, of course, Janet. How much do I owe you?” He began fingering through the bills inside, waiting for her answer.

“Well, this was only Bobby Junior’s first batch, he’s making more over the weekend. So this was only two and a half dozen. So...eighteen dollars?” She sniffed again, looking down at her hands. 

“He’ll make it an even forty then, won’t you Mulder?” Scully asked him pointedly.

“Uh..” Mulder mumbled, and then looked at Scully, who stared at him expectantly. “Uh...yes. I was just going to offer--yes, forty dollars it is, Agent Pemberton. We’ll cover two batch worths.” He handed her over two twenty dollar bills

“Oh, agents!!” Agent Pemberton bursted, clutching the money to her chest. “This is great news! Little Bobby will be so pleased!” She grabbed the lid and container from the floor. “You will do me a favor though, won’t you? Will you go ahead and try the two you bought? You see, Bobby was looking for some input on the taste and I’d try them myself, but I’m allergic to almonds...” 

There was a short pause while Mulder and Scully looked to one another and then to Agent Pemberton. Sure, they had  _ bought _ the cookies from her, but they never planned on  _ eating  _ them. 

Her bottom lip began to quiver.

“We’d be happy to try them!” Mulder exclaimed, forcing excitement. “Right, Scully?” 

“Oh yeah, definitely!” Scully said, with her best attempt at sincerity. She walked over to the desk and grabbed their two cookies. She gave one to Mulder, and they both hesitated before taking a bite. The room was silent for a few moments as the agents unpleasantly crunched into what was supposedly a cookie. Their bodies shuddered as the taste of it passed through them. It tasted strongly of salt and dirt, and something else that was hard to identify. Scully’s eyes began to water. 

“Mhmm, yeah. Really good” Mulder said through gritted teeth, nodding enthusiastically at Agent Pemberton. He looked over to Scully, “Delicious, even.”

“To die for.” Scully added, nearly choking as she tried to swallow down the bite. Mulder pounded her on the back.

“Oh goody!” Agent Pemberton squealed.  “I just can’t wait to see Bobby’s face once I tell him the news!” She beamed at both of them and sighed in relief. “Thank you, agents for trying them! And thank you Mulder for buying them!” She caught them both off guard with tight hugs (which they didn’t return), before hurrying out the door, slamming it behind her. 

Mulder turned to Scully accusingly. “ _ Forty dollars _ , Scully?” He took a napkin left from the sandwiches and started aggressively wiping his tongue. 

“You were a jerk to her, Mulder, you practically pushed her down. Forty dollars was well-worth her troubles.” She smacked her mouth in distaste, and  looked around desperately for some relief, spotting Mulder’s water bottle at arm’s reach. She hurriedly grabbed it and began swishing and swallowing vigorously.

“Well-worth  _ her _ troubles?” He searched into his coat pocket that was hanging on the back of his chair. He pulled out a gum packet, but found it empty, and tossed it over his shoulder. “What about mine? I could end up in the hospital because of this damn cookie!  I’m pretty sure I won’t get worker’s comp for food poisoning, Scully.”

Scully rolled her eyes and went over to her purse, finding a box of Tictacs inside. She shook out a handful and gave half to Mulder. “Those cookies were horrible, Mulder, but I doubt they’ll put you in the hospital...Didn’t you see her face when she realized they were ruined?”

“Okay, fine,” Mulder relented, looking guilty. “Paying Pemberton eighteen dollars, I understand. Even twenty. But forty?  _ Forty _ ?” He moaned and pleaded to her. “Give a man a break, Scully. I work for the government and I’m suspended without pay at least twice a year.”

“Maybe it’ll stave her off for a while.” She said offhandedly, examining the cookie mess on the floor. She grabbed the broom from the corner and began sweeping.

Mulder scoffed and sat on the edge of his desk, angrily crunching his tic tacs as he watched her. “I seriously doubt it. You probably just encouraged her to come back for more.”

“Well, if she does, I’ll handle her ok? We don’t need another episode like that one.” She  paused her sweeping and added added “To make up for the extra twenty, I’ll buy lunch tomorrow again, ok?”

Mulder grumbled non-committedly in agreement. 

There were a few moments of just the sound of the broom brushing the floor, when Scully muttered under her breath, “Not that I don’t buy lunch most of the time anyways.”

A heavy silence filled the room as Mulder stared at Scully incredulously. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“Nothing...” Scully answered carefully, keeping her voice light. She paused her sweeping to look him in the eye. “It’s just that, out of either of us, I tend to be the one who buys the lunch more.”

“That’s weird...because I’m pretty sure it was me who bought the lunch for us yesterday,” he returned, with just as much caution.

Scully shook her head. “That was the first time you bought lunch in  _ weeks _ , Mulder.” 

“It was  _ not,”  _ he said indignantly, crossing his arms. “I’ve bought lunch as many times a you have. Easily.” 

Scully scoffed as she swept the crumb pile into the dustpan. “Mulder, that is ridiculous.” Her voice rose with confidence as she walked to the trashcan and vigorously thumped the dustpan on it’s edge. “I  _ always _ buy the lunch. If I were leave it up to you, we’d go hungry because you’d just work right through it.” 

He moved from his desk, to his seat, following her with narrowing eyes.  “Oh, so it’s my fault for just doing my  _ job _ ?” he argued. “And what about dinner? I buy  _ that  _ nearly every time.” 

“Us having dinner together is not a daily occurrence like us having lunch together is,” she argued back pragmatically, her nose in the air. “Therefore it does not equate.” She placed the broom against the wall, then went back to the table and blindly searched through the files sitting upon it.

“Are you kidding?” he exclaimed, laughing in disbelief. “Name the last time you ate dinner by yourself, Scully.” 

There was a short pause, as she continued to aggressively flip through the file pages, trying to come up with a retort. Giving up, she turned towards him with her arms crossed, not looking him in the eye, “Well, fine, I don’t remember the last time I ate dinner without you--”

”HA!” he interjected. He leaned back in his seat, placing his feet on his desk in triumph.

“But _ maybe _ that should happen more often! O-or less often--or...whatever!” she sputtered over him, slapping the files down on the table. Flustered, she blew the hair out of her face.  “I mean maybe we should eat together less often, dammit!” 

“Oh is that what you think should happen?” He laughed again, amused and angry all at once. “Just because _ I  _ don’t buy the lunch and the dinner, we shouldn’t even eat together anymore?”  

“I! Buy! The lunch, Mulder!” She exclaimed, “But you know what? Maybe that’s a good idea!” 

“Alright then!” He projected, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “No more meals together!”

“Fine by me!” She spat back haughtily. “Maybe I’ll save a dime or two,” 

He glared at her as she stalked past him to the coat-rack where she yanked off her jacket. “Where are you going?” he demanded. “It’s not even two!” 

“You know what, Mulder?” She questioned snidely. “I think I’ll leave a little early today.” She shoved her arms into her coat before grabbing her purse from under the table. ”Let you stay here, and  _ stew  _ things over some.” She brusquely brushed past him and headed towards the door.

“What in the hell was that supposed to be?” He called after her. “A dinner pun?” 

Scully rolled her eyes as she stormed to the elevator and hit its button. The doors did not open. She sighed and pressed the button again, more gently this time, yet still no response. After a few more patient tries and even a few more seconds of nothing, she let out a silent screech and started harshly jabbing the button over and over. She had just made the decision to pry the doors open with her fingers when she heard footsteps quickly approaching from behind her. There was only one person that could be.

She sighed and closed her eyes, bowing her head in defeat. She could feel Mulder’s presence just over her shoulder.

“Why are you still standing here, Scully?” He asked testily. “Having some second thoughts about dinner?”  

“No, Mulder,” she said levelly, staring straight ahead, tapping her foot rapidly on the tile . “I can’t get the elevator to work.” 

He brushed passed her to press the button, and the doors opened at once.

“Hmph. Seems to be working fine for me.” 

He took a step towards it, but Scully blocked his entrance.

“Where do you think you’re going, Mulder?” 

“Well,” he sighed, bracing his hips and looking down at her. “I figured if you got the rest of the day off, I might as well too.“

Scully gave him a long, dry, look before stepping into the elevator herself. She turned towards him and crossed her arms as the doors started to close.

“Take the stairs, Mulder.” 


End file.
